We went to Diamond Lake, a place I hadn’t been since I was really young, which is crazy because its so beautiful there and so close to KF…
But yesterday we went on a bike ride that goes all the way around the lake, and about three quarters of the way done with this ride we turn off a path that goes to two small ‘lakes’ which are really just ponds especially because they’ve shrunk so much.
As we were biking near one of these lakes, I realized that I had been there before when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old, when these ponds were a bit larger. When I was there when I was little, the pond was much larger and the bike path actually went through the pond, so my parents had to pick my sister and I up and carry us because it would have been too deep for us to bike through.
As my mom carried me and waded through the water, I could see this thick, line of darkness that was in the water. Without even thinking, 6 year old me dipped my hands into it to discover that it was a gigantic swarm of tadpoles! I scooped them up by the handful and put them in the pockets of my oshkosh overalls, my mom oblivious of it until we started biking again and she could see them coming out of my pockets. We shortly reached a stream and she made me empty my pockets, but I secret kept one tadpole with me…
That is one of my favorite childhood memories. I was fearless.
And i think I could use a little more of that now.
M, I wanna apologize because I haven’t been supportive of you as much as I should have and as much as I want to. I let my jealousy of your success get in the way, and I’ve let my frustration bring you down. I’m sorry. Its really hard for me not to compare, but comparison is the thief of joy.
What you said the other night really resonated with me- that we are two different people, and I don’t want you to be exactly like me. It seems so simple but I, well, I over think and complicate things that are obvious.
Its obvious to me that I like being around you and I care about you and I care what you think about me. And like I said before, I still am scared. But I don’t wanna be anymore. I want to learn how to have a normal and healthy relationship. I want to overcome my fears. With you.
I want you.